ملتقى الشفاء الإسلامي - funny jokes come now!! translated intor Arabic

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funny jokes come now!! translated intor Arabic
thisubject is very important we must find acorner to jokes with our English fourm but we don't know how to find areal lought and I w'll do the beginng with ((besm allah))
sme jokes will translated but other not translate i left the translate to any one can do it because I don't have more time Funny Jokes i hope you'll enjoy itمع ملاحظة ان بعض النكت لا تفهم الا من خلال قرائتها بالانجليزية
النكتة الاولى:-A:Hey,man! please call me a taxi
........B:yes,sir.You are a taxi.
النكتة الثانية:-A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
النكتة الثالثة
one day teacher come to class asked studient fish life inwater
students answer life life life
مرة مدرس
دخل الفصل فقال للتلاميذ يعيش السمك فى الماء
رد التلاميذ يعيش يعيش يعيش
:-
Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
النكتة الرابعة:-Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
Q:اية اللي عندة 6 عيون ولا يري
:3فئران عمي
النكتة الخامسةA woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
كان احد الأزواج يصحو ويعود الى الغيبوبة لعدة اشهر

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
ومع ذلك كانت الزوجة الى جانب سريره في كل يوم من تلك الأيام. وفي أحد الأيام عندما افاق الزوج اشار الى زوجته أن اقتربي اكثر. وما ان جلست إلى جانبه حتى همس اليها و عيناه مغرورقتان بالدموع, قائلا:
"You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
أتعلمين؟ لقد وقفت الى جانبي في كل الأوقات العصيبة
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
عندما فصلت من العمل, كنت هناك لتسانديني
When my business failed, you were there.
وعندما خسرت في تجارتي, كنت هناك لي
When I got shot, you were by my side.
وحينما اصبت بالرصاص, كنت الى جانبي
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
وعندما خسرنا منزلنا, بقيت هنا معي
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
وعندما بدأت صحتي بالتدهور, ظللت الى قربي
You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her
heart began to fill with warmth.
أتعلمين؟ ؟؟؟"ماذا ياعزيزي" سألت بكل لطف, مبتسمة وقلبها ممتلئ بالدفء
"I think you're bad luck."
اعتقد أنك حظ سئ (لي)

النكتة السادسةWife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.الزوجة : يا حبيبى بتدوّر على إيه ؟
الزوج : و لا حاجة.
الزوجة: دا أنت بقالك ساعة بتقرأ قسيمة جوازنا.
الزوج : دا بس كنت بدور على تاريخ الانتهاء
______
النكتة السابعة Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other ensures U
Continue to do so.
سؤال : ما الفرق بين الأم و الزوجة؟
الإجابة: واحدة جابتك للدنيا بتعيط و التانية تضمنلك إنك هتفضل تعيط طول عمرك.
______
النكتة الثامنةWife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.الزوجة : عايز تتعشى ؟
الزوج : طبعا ...ماذا أختار
الزوجة : أه أو لأ.
______
النكتة التاسعةWife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can
there be greater than this one?"الزوجة : إنت دايما شايل صورتى معاك و رايح بيها المكتب ...ليه؟
الزوج: لما بلاقى مشكلة مهما كانت معقدة ببص لصورتك ألاقيها اتحلت على طول.
الزوجة: شايف أنا أد إيه مهمة بالنسبالك.
الزوج: أيوة...ببص فى صورتك و أقول لنفسى " إيه المشكلة اللى ممكن تكون أكبر من دى؟!"
______
النكتة العاشرةGirl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and
lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.البنت: لما نتجوز أنا عاوزة أشاركك فى كل مشاكلك و متاعبك و أخففها عنك.
الولد : لكن أنا ما عنديش مشاكل.
البنت: أيوه لإننا لسة ما اتجوزناش.
______
النكتة الحادية عشرSon: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up
my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap. الابن : يا ماما لما كنا راكبين الأتوبيس أنا و بابا النهارده قاللى أدى مكانى لواحده ست واقفة.
الأم: انت عملت الصح يا حبيبى.
الابن : لكن أنا كنت قاعد على حجر بابا.
______
النكتة الثانية عشرA newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father
hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT
YOU A FORTUNE"
الزوج الجديد لزوجته: كنتى هتتجوزينى لو ما كانش بابا ساب لى كل الثروة دى.
الزوجة: يا حبيبى أنا كنت هتجوزك بغض النظر مين اللى ساب لك الثروة.
______
النكتة الثالثة عشرFather to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrow! ed it. He wants to scare his parents."
الأب بيقول لابنه بعد الامتحان: ورينى شهادة درجاتك.
الابن : صاحبى أخدها يخوف بيها باباه و مامته.
______
النكتو الرابعة عشرInterviewer to Milionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a
millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married
her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"
الصحفى للمليونير: لمن تعزو نجاحك كمليونير.
المليونير: أنا أعزو كل شيء لزوجتى.
الصحفى: يا لها من امرأة!! ماذا كانت حالتك قبل زواجها؟
المليونير : ملياردير
______
النكتة الخامسة عشرA wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face
or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour.
سألت زوجة زوجها: بتحب ايه أكتر فيّا.....وجهى الجميل أم جسمى المتناسق؟
فنظر إليها الزوج من تحت لفوق و قال : بحب روح الدعابة اللى فيكى.
النكتةالسادسة عشر.." The doctor to the patient:"Your are very sick
?"The patient to the doctor:"Can I get a second opinion
."The doctor again:"Yes, you are very ugly too
النكتة السابعة عشرA:I have the perfect son
?B:does he smoke
A:No, hedoesn't
?B:does he drink whiskey
A:No,he doesn't
?B:does he ever come home late
A:No,he doesn't
??B:I guess you really do have the perfect son .How old is he
A:He will be six months old next wednesday

النكتة الثامنة عشرOne a crowded bus,one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed..."What's the matter? Are you sick..? the man :No ,I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing
لنكتةالتاسعة عشرFred is 32 years old and he is still single
one day a friend asked,"Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife..? fred eplied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry,but when Ibring them home to meet my parent's my mother doesn't like them
His friend thinks for a moment and says."I've go the perfect solution,just find a girl who's just like ypur mother
A few months later they meet again and his friend says"Did you find the perfect girl??..Did your mother like her
With a frown on his face, Fred answer:Yes , I found the perfect girl.She was just like my mother you were right .my mother liked her very much
The friend said:Then what's the problem?? fred replied:My father doesn't like her

النكتة العشرونTeacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it
النكتة الحاديةوالعشرون
There’s a man who has such big feet that when it rains,
he lies down and uses them as umbrellas.
النكتة
“ I snored so much and so loud that I used to wake myself up” a man told his friend.
“ What did you do about it?” his friend asked.
“ Oh,” the man said, “ now I sleep in the next room and I don’t hear a thing.”

النكتة

last winter, the cow caught such a bad cold that she gave ice cream instead of milk.
النكتة
On day, a man was riding a horse when he passed a dog on the road.
“Good morning,” the dog said.
“I didn’t know dogs could talk,” the man said.
“Neither did I,” the horse said.
النكتة
مدرس انجليزى بيسأل تميذ بيقوله لو عايز تقول
لواحد تعالى هنا تقوله ايه؟ قاله : اقوله come here
قاله : ولو عايز تقوله ارجع هناك تانى ؟ قاله :
الف من الناحية التانية واقوله come here
النكتة
Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?
لنكتة
What is defference between man and Superman?
Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the trouser.
لنكتة
Sam: Would you punish me for some thing i didn't do?
Teacher: no, of course not.
Sam: good, because i didn't do my homework.
لنكتةWhat's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night

I'm waiting you for more jokes and your comment

see you our dear brothers in Islam